Senator Cornyn better back the f* up

Apparently Senator John Cornyn tried to make a funny the other day.

Here in Congress, protecting the American people and winning the war on terror is our number one priority. But has anyone also noticed there have been no terrorist attacks in the United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television? …. Think about it. And join me in watching this season of ‘24.’

Ok, first of all, Senator, you're much funnier when your dick is jammed down one end of a box turtle*** or when you're threatening judges.

Second, Jack Bauer kills terrorists and protects this country every single day. Every single day. That he's on TV. This is serious business, Senator. It's dirty, but someone has to do it so people like you can bask in the freedoms we enjoy. It's not funny, Senator, and I encourage you to deal with the situation with the gravity it requires.

Third, if we have to sell a state to China to get Jack Bauer released from prison or wherever he is, Texas is going to be right at the top of the list. I can't believe we fought a war for you, much less let you have representation in the halls of the United States Senate.


***Which end of the turtle, you ask? Friends, that's the beauty of turtles.

Back off, John McCain

I recently learned that John McCain thinks he's Jack Bauer. Or, as he put it, "I'm sort of a Jack Bauer kind of guy."

Senator, I served with Jack Bauer. I knew Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer was a friend of mine. Senator, you' are no Jack Bauer.

Sunday = awesome

Oh man Sunday is going to be awesome.

I would never in a million years live blog the first four episodes. Why? Only ass hats live blog. Sorry, did I say ass hats? I meant douche nozzles.

But really, it's going to be awesome. And so is Monday. Monday is going to be even better since I don't have to work all day. Thanks to Martin Luther King, Jr. And no thanks to Trent Lott.

Send Jack to Iraq

So it turns out the ol' Ass Hat-in-Chief wants to escalate this war.

And while 70% of us live in a land called "reality," that means that somewhere, in our midst, there are 90,000,000 Americans who actually think this is a good idea.

Who are these people, and are they really living amongst us?

We send Jack over there today and we don't need to worry about a timetable because everything will be fixed tomorrow.

Kiefer thinks Jack is a Democrat

It's been well-documented that Kiefer Sutherland doesn't break character. Even when he's not on the set of 24 and shit-canned.

Apparently someone at YouTube hates America and thinks the video of Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly attacking the Christmas tree "violates" some "terms," so we'll have to take the tabloids at their words.

Check this article out, and let's dissect:

First, look at the part where he bumps into the Mirror reporter:

Kiefer - son of Hollywood great Donald Sutherland - took a shine to our girl Emily when he literally bumped into her at the show. He apologised, saying: "I'm so sorry, so, so, sorry."

See that? That's called respect for women. And it's been scientifically proven that Republican dudes only respect women if they're hitting on them and the women are rich porn stars.

Exhibit B:

"I hate that f***ing Christmas tree," he declared. "The tree HAS to come down."

Oh man I can already picture Jerry Falwell's panties bunching up over the War on Christmas.

Moving right along...

Kiefer warned staff: "I'm smashing it - can I pay for it?"

A staff member replied: "I'm absolutely sure you can, sir."

You see that? Did you see that? That's respect for workers, my friends, and when it comes to that, Republicans don't have the first goddamned clue. Kiefer, on the other hand, loved him some working man so much that he wasn't done showing the love.

Pulling pine needles out of his hair and t-shirt, he said to a hotel employee: "Ooh sorry about that...you're so cool. This f***ing hotel rocks."

That's the type of stuff they don't teach in "How to be a Republican 101."

Clearly, Kiefer was acting as Jack here. And it's just as obvious that Kiefer thinks Jack is a huge giant Democrat. The only thing that baffles me is why he didn't just shoot the tree in the kneecap, or at least give it a good interrogation.

Welcome

A couple things to start:

First, 24 is an awesome show. I ordered the first four seasons on ebay for something like fifty bucks. The four seasons were $30 and shipping was $20. I then got a package in the mail from China*** a few days later with some wonderfully bootlegged copies of 24. It probably landed my ass on some sort of FBI watch list, but it was totally worth it.

Second, Republicans were in power for 12 years, and all they did was mess up America. Democrats are fixing it, and they're getting a good start in 100 hours. If you keep following the arc, that means Jack is just some hyper-evolved, super awesome badass Democrat. End of story.

But then there are all those people out there who say Jack can't possibly be a Democrat because he doesn't respect human rights, used to be in the military, whatever.

Total bullshit.

And I'm out to prove it. I'll do whatever I have to. Cops have to play by the rules. I may have to break a few with this blog.

***So I didn't know at the time that the Chinese government had kidnapped Jack and that I was morally obligated to boycott China. Well excuuuuuuuuse me, Your Highness, but no one bothered to tell me that at the time.