Jack was a huge Democrat last night

Ok, so we've got less than an hour until the second night of the premier starts. Just off the top of my head, I can name several things Jack did that show he would never consider voting for a person named Bush.

1.) Jack relied on the intelligence he had on the ground. Jack found out that the bad terrorist was actually the good terrorist and immediately started working with Al-Assad. If CTU were being run by George W. Bush right now, the Administration would be amassing teams to spend the next two years looking for weapons of mass destruction at Al-Assad's hideout home. Speaking of which, the current Administration probably would have sent troops instead of helicopters with bombs, and then when the SWAT team leader said they'd need 50 people to secure the home, he would have sent 5.

2.) Jack acted unilaterally for the good of the country. I don't think a whole lot of elaboration is need there.

3.) When Jack thought he was in over his head, he admitted he didn't think he could do the job and let someone else help. If George Bush were in the same situation, we'd be half way through season 13 before any mistakes were admitted.

Ok so that's what I remember now. Anybody got anything else?

The New York Times is f-ing stupid

Apparently, Alessandra Stanley missed the memo that said 24 is a documentary, not a fictionalized drama made for television.

Hey, Alessandra, get a clue. Jack Bauer is real and your denial that the events on 24 depict real life threats to America are lulling the American public into a sense of complacency. Or maybe I should just assume that you want the terrorists to win.

Honestly this column is the biggest piece of crap I've ever seen. It's like Alessandra was walking around one day and a crumpled piece of paper flew out one of the windows of the short bus. And on the paper in red ink was written "D+" at the top and "Billy, you can do better work than this," but Alessandra hadn't finished her column so she just erased Billy's name and wrote her own and turned it in to her editor.

Shame on you, Alessandra. Shame on you.

Senator Cornyn better back the f* up

Apparently Senator John Cornyn tried to make a funny the other day.

Here in Congress, protecting the American people and winning the war on terror is our number one priority. But has anyone also noticed there have been no terrorist attacks in the United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television? …. Think about it. And join me in watching this season of ‘24.’

Ok, first of all, Senator, you're much funnier when your dick is jammed down one end of a box turtle*** or when you're threatening judges.

Second, Jack Bauer kills terrorists and protects this country every single day. Every single day. That he's on TV. This is serious business, Senator. It's dirty, but someone has to do it so people like you can bask in the freedoms we enjoy. It's not funny, Senator, and I encourage you to deal with the situation with the gravity it requires.

Third, if we have to sell a state to China to get Jack Bauer released from prison or wherever he is, Texas is going to be right at the top of the list. I can't believe we fought a war for you, much less let you have representation in the halls of the United States Senate.


***Which end of the turtle, you ask? Friends, that's the beauty of turtles.

Sunday = awesome

Oh man Sunday is going to be awesome.

I would never in a million years live blog the first four episodes. Why? Only ass hats live blog. Sorry, did I say ass hats? I meant douche nozzles.

But really, it's going to be awesome. And so is Monday. Monday is going to be even better since I don't have to work all day. Thanks to Martin Luther King, Jr. And no thanks to Trent Lott.