Jack was a huge Democrat last night

Ok, so we've got less than an hour until the second night of the premier starts. Just off the top of my head, I can name several things Jack did that show he would never consider voting for a person named Bush.

1.) Jack relied on the intelligence he had on the ground. Jack found out that the bad terrorist was actually the good terrorist and immediately started working with Al-Assad. If CTU were being run by George W. Bush right now, the Administration would be amassing teams to spend the next two years looking for weapons of mass destruction at Al-Assad's hideout home. Speaking of which, the current Administration probably would have sent troops instead of helicopters with bombs, and then when the SWAT team leader said they'd need 50 people to secure the home, he would have sent 5.

2.) Jack acted unilaterally for the good of the country. I don't think a whole lot of elaboration is need there.

3.) When Jack thought he was in over his head, he admitted he didn't think he could do the job and let someone else help. If George Bush were in the same situation, we'd be half way through season 13 before any mistakes were admitted.

Ok so that's what I remember now. Anybody got anything else?

Did Jack turn into a hippie?

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The New York Times is f-ing stupid

Apparently, Alessandra Stanley missed the memo that said 24 is a documentary, not a fictionalized drama made for television.

Hey, Alessandra, get a clue. Jack Bauer is real and your denial that the events on 24 depict real life threats to America are lulling the American public into a sense of complacency. Or maybe I should just assume that you want the terrorists to win.

Honestly this column is the biggest piece of crap I've ever seen. It's like Alessandra was walking around one day and a crumpled piece of paper flew out one of the windows of the short bus. And on the paper in red ink was written "D+" at the top and "Billy, you can do better work than this," but Alessandra hadn't finished her column so she just erased Billy's name and wrote her own and turned it in to her editor.

Shame on you, Alessandra. Shame on you.

Jack's stance on human rights is hard-core Democrat

I was emailing a friend the other day about Jack being a Democrat, and she had this to say:

Jack Bauer is not always the most sensitive about respecting human rights, but that's pretty irrelevant since he only causes trouble for people who resist him. And anyone who even considers going against the will of Jack Bauer is an evil idiot, so who cares about their rights anyway? You guessed it: only losers who don't even deserve an opinion!

Ok. So on a couple points, she's right. Anyone who considers going against Jack is an evil idiot. Clearly, President Logan was an evil idiot in Season 5. By extension, this proves that all Republican Presidents are evil idiots. And then Secretary Heller went against Jack. Even though Heller had good intentions, giving Jack the taser and then handcuffing him to a pole was an evil, idiotic thing to do, thus proving that all Republican Secretaries of State are evil idiots. Condi, that means you, sweet tits. This also means that we'll have to do away with China's rights, but they already don't have any so who gives a fuck anyway (and a pre-emptive middle finger to anyone considering giving me the Rosie O'Donnell treatment for that).

So we know that people going against Jack should obviously have their rights revoked. And everybody knows that Republicans don't care about the human rights of Americans who aren't white and Christian, so let's not even go near what Republicans think about the human rights of non-Americans with darker skin.

The difference is, Democrats believe human rights can be revoked only for a good reason, while Republicans are sort of like the less competent, uglier little brother of Dr. Evil. The one who wasn't at all good at sports, but hung around in the showers for just a little too long after gym class in high school. But I digress.

So, the question is: If we could promote a system where you always knew that the people you were torturing knew something vitally important, where the vitally important information always pertained to a terrorist attack threatening to kill everyone in America in the next few hours, and where the torture would always lead to the person divulging information that is 100% accurate and leads us to thwart the impending terrorist attack, does anyone really think Democrats would oppose it?

No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.

But where on Earth could we find something like this? What system of interrogation could produce those kind of results? I mean, where on Earth...

Well hooooolyyyyy shit. It's what Jack Bauer does all the time. And everything in 24 is completely accurate and happens exactly as things happen in real life, so there muct be a way (And yes, Simon Brent, repeatedly shouting the same question--in a slightly louder voice each time--does actually work for getting answers out of people. If it doesn't you break their fingers one by one. Do you have any other questions, you fucking moron, or can we move along now? Good.)

And it's a little known fact that the Democrats are actually going to implement this type of interrogation for use in our military and counter-terrorist efforts. I direct you to Section 4, Article 19, paragraph 12 of H.R. 1, the Democrats' bill to implement the 9/11 Commission recommendations, which provides that:

All agents of the military, counter-terrorist organizations, Department of Homeland Security and Department of Defense who are engaged in the gathering of intelligence or field operations shall receive thorough training in the Jack Bauer school of interrogation. Should it be necessary to kill the commie pricks in China who are holding Jack Bauer, America will take all action necessary.

And guess what. That was part of the Democrats agenda in the first 100 hours. All 231 House Democrats voted for that legislation, but the Republicans were against it by a margin of 2-1.

I shit you not. You can't make stuff like this up.

Senator Cornyn better back the f* up

Apparently Senator John Cornyn tried to make a funny the other day.

Here in Congress, protecting the American people and winning the war on terror is our number one priority. But has anyone also noticed there have been no terrorist attacks in the United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television? …. Think about it. And join me in watching this season of ‘24.’

Ok, first of all, Senator, you're much funnier when your dick is jammed down one end of a box turtle*** or when you're threatening judges.

Second, Jack Bauer kills terrorists and protects this country every single day. Every single day. That he's on TV. This is serious business, Senator. It's dirty, but someone has to do it so people like you can bask in the freedoms we enjoy. It's not funny, Senator, and I encourage you to deal with the situation with the gravity it requires.

Third, if we have to sell a state to China to get Jack Bauer released from prison or wherever he is, Texas is going to be right at the top of the list. I can't believe we fought a war for you, much less let you have representation in the halls of the United States Senate.


***Which end of the turtle, you ask? Friends, that's the beauty of turtles.

Back off, John McCain

I recently learned that John McCain thinks he's Jack Bauer. Or, as he put it, "I'm sort of a Jack Bauer kind of guy."

Senator, I served with Jack Bauer. I knew Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer was a friend of mine. Senator, you' are no Jack Bauer.

Sunday = awesome

Oh man Sunday is going to be awesome.

I would never in a million years live blog the first four episodes. Why? Only ass hats live blog. Sorry, did I say ass hats? I meant douche nozzles.

But really, it's going to be awesome. And so is Monday. Monday is going to be even better since I don't have to work all day. Thanks to Martin Luther King, Jr. And no thanks to Trent Lott.

Send Jack to Iraq

So it turns out the ol' Ass Hat-in-Chief wants to escalate this war.

And while 70% of us live in a land called "reality," that means that somewhere, in our midst, there are 90,000,000 Americans who actually think this is a good idea.

Who are these people, and are they really living amongst us?

We send Jack over there today and we don't need to worry about a timetable because everything will be fixed tomorrow.

Kiefer thinks Jack is a Democrat

It's been well-documented that Kiefer Sutherland doesn't break character. Even when he's not on the set of 24 and shit-canned.

Apparently someone at YouTube hates America and thinks the video of Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly attacking the Christmas tree "violates" some "terms," so we'll have to take the tabloids at their words.

Check this article out, and let's dissect:

First, look at the part where he bumps into the Mirror reporter:

Kiefer - son of Hollywood great Donald Sutherland - took a shine to our girl Emily when he literally bumped into her at the show. He apologised, saying: "I'm so sorry, so, so, sorry."

See that? That's called respect for women. And it's been scientifically proven that Republican dudes only respect women if they're hitting on them and the women are rich porn stars.

Exhibit B:

"I hate that f***ing Christmas tree," he declared. "The tree HAS to come down."

Oh man I can already picture Jerry Falwell's panties bunching up over the War on Christmas.

Moving right along...

Kiefer warned staff: "I'm smashing it - can I pay for it?"

A staff member replied: "I'm absolutely sure you can, sir."

You see that? Did you see that? That's respect for workers, my friends, and when it comes to that, Republicans don't have the first goddamned clue. Kiefer, on the other hand, loved him some working man so much that he wasn't done showing the love.

Pulling pine needles out of his hair and t-shirt, he said to a hotel employee: "Ooh sorry about that...you're so cool. This f***ing hotel rocks."

That's the type of stuff they don't teach in "How to be a Republican 101."

Clearly, Kiefer was acting as Jack here. And it's just as obvious that Kiefer thinks Jack is a huge giant Democrat. The only thing that baffles me is why he didn't just shoot the tree in the kneecap, or at least give it a good interrogation.

Welcome

A couple things to start:

First, 24 is an awesome show. I ordered the first four seasons on ebay for something like fifty bucks. The four seasons were $30 and shipping was $20. I then got a package in the mail from China*** a few days later with some wonderfully bootlegged copies of 24. It probably landed my ass on some sort of FBI watch list, but it was totally worth it.

Second, Republicans were in power for 12 years, and all they did was mess up America. Democrats are fixing it, and they're getting a good start in 100 hours. If you keep following the arc, that means Jack is just some hyper-evolved, super awesome badass Democrat. End of story.

But then there are all those people out there who say Jack can't possibly be a Democrat because he doesn't respect human rights, used to be in the military, whatever.

Total bullshit.

And I'm out to prove it. I'll do whatever I have to. Cops have to play by the rules. I may have to break a few with this blog.

***So I didn't know at the time that the Chinese government had kidnapped Jack and that I was morally obligated to boycott China. Well excuuuuuuuuse me, Your Highness, but no one bothered to tell me that at the time.